Puns and Jokes
by GinnyJackson and FairyGurl
Summary: Taken from funny images and lengthened in writing! One-shot and completed.
1. Puns and Jokes

**Puns and Jokes**

**_Based on funny pics_**

_Fred, George, Prof. Dumbledore_

The Goblet burned blue, and a strip of parchment flew out. Dumbledore caught it. Clearing his voice, he spoke clearly, "The Hogwarts Champion is..."

He squinted his eyes. "Your mom."

Eyes blazing, he roared, "WHO WROTE THIS?"

Of course, it was the Weasley twins.

* * *

_Harr__y,__ Sirius_

Harry had just noticed something.

"You're white," he told Sirius.

"No, I'm Black," he responded, and shoveled some mashed potatoes in his mouth.

"Stop joking," Harry said.

Sirius swallowed. "I'm Sirius."

The twins, Ron, Ginny, and Remus howled with laughter.

* * *

_Prof. Snape, Prof. Dumbledore_

"Headmaster, I need to tell you something," Severus was saying urgently.

Dumbledore looked at him inquiringly.

"The Dark Lord has arisen once more."

Dumbledore asked, "Are you serious?"

Severus looked at him like he was an idiot. "No, I'm Severus."

* * *

_Hermione, Fred, George_

There was the sound of footsteps, and two people sat each other on each side of a certain bushy-haired girl, who conveniently came by the name of Hermione Granger. She looked at them suspiciously. "Yes?"

"Well..." Fred began, "One day we spotted-"

"-a scrap of parchment. Being curious-"

"Or stupid," Hermione muttered.

"-we observed it, and guess what we found?"

"What?" Hermione asked warily.

"I heart Weasley," the twins chorused.

Hermione turned red in embarassment.

George mused, "It can't be Bill, he's married-"

"-it can't be Charlie either, he only likes dragons."

"You know Percy's a great pompous prat-"

"-and Ron's an even greater one."

"You can't possibly like Ginny, she's a girl-"

"so which one of us is it?"

...

Version One, for all those Ron/Hermione fans

Hermione coolly gathered up her books. "Neither of you." She walked off.

"Then who is it?" the twins called.

"Ron!" she shouted over her shoulder.

Fred and George stared at each other. "What?"

George shouted to Hermione's retreating back, "But Ron's-"

"-a great prat and git!" Fred finished.

Ron chose this moment to hear that he was a great prat and git. He stormed over and gave both twins a slap upside the face.

...

Version Two, for all those Fred/Hermione fans

Hermione put her head in her hands and mumbled something.

"Who?"

Hermione glared. "Stop making my life so miserable! It's Fred, okay?" She stomped off.

Fred looked stunned. George started singing, "Fred and Hermione, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-"

Fred yelled, "SHUT UP!"

But of course George didn't, and so Fred was seen glowering at George for the rest of the week.

...

Version Three, for all those Draco/Hermione fans

"M-m-malfoy."

Fred and George fainted. Draco came up and Levitated them to the Hospital Wing.

Wait, what? Draco isn't a Weasley!

* * *

_Voldemort, Potterwatch_

Voldemort had hacked and was listening to Potterwatch, when suddenly the intro of "Dynamite" came on. He started busting out moves.

_"Cause it goes on and on and on,_

_and it goes on and on and on,_

_yeah!_

_I throw my wand up in the air, sometimes,_

_saying 'Ay-yo, where'd my nose go? I wanna celebrate You-Know-Who's death, that'd be awesome, that'd be awesome-"_

Voldemort glared at the offending lyrics. Then the music stopped, and Romulus' voice came out. "Please stop stalking us. This channel is entirely devoted to non-You-Know-Who supporters. Thank you." The channel buzzed. Potterwatch had kicked Voldemort out of their channel.

"Aw, come on!" Voldemort complained. "You've no idea how long I've been waiting to hear this song!"

* * *

_Ron, Harry, Vernon_

Ron and Harry clambered in the car, with Uncle Vernon lumbering after them, yelling, "Who ate my Oreos?"

"DRIVE, RON!" Harry yelled. "I ATE HIS OREOS!"

"Why are they so tempting?" Ron looked over his shoulder and sniffed longingly.

_Epilogue_

They crashed, Ron not driving carefully at the time (recall that he was sniffing for Oreos).

* * *

_Severus, Death Eaters, Voldemort_

Voldemort watched as Severus Snape hurried toward his seat with a box. The Dark Lord commented, "You're late, Severus."

Severus lifted the cover of the box. "My Lord...I brought tacos."

* * *

_Harry, Cho_

Harry told Cho, "Hey, here's a joke. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"

The Ravenclaw was stumped. "I don't know. What is it?"

"Not-Cho cheese! You know, 'nacho' cheese?" Harry answered.

Cho looked at him blankly.

"Okay..." Harry ducked his head, disappointed.

* * *

_Harry, Ron, Hermione_

Harry was furious. He had just found out that his parents' Secret-Keeper had betrayed them. And it was not helping that Ron and Hermione were singing an annoying song.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the ni-" his so-called best friends sang.

"NO!" Harry yelled at them, finally cracking.

* * *

_Dumbledore, Voldemort_

Dumbledore was in the "Yo Momma" trend. So when he incidentally met Voldemort, he was hit with a sudden inspiration.

"Tom!" he called to Voldemort, who was terrorising Muggles.

The latter turned around. "What?" he snarled.

"Yo mama's so fat, her Patronus is a cake."

Voldemort stared at Dumbledore.

* * *

_Voldemort, Sirius_

Sirius was being serious, so Voldemort complained about it: "Why so serious?"

Sirius, being the guy he is, shot back with a smirk, "Why so nosy?"

Voldemort thought, Ah! I just got moted!

Justin Bieber haters, I'm going to elaborate on this funny pics!

Justin Bieber sneered, "You lost to a noseless dude, you can't even cure you own eyesight, and you're being so melodramatic. Are you sure you're a wizard?"

Harry hated this guy. "You sing like a girl! You have hair like a girl! And you sing girly songs! Are you sure you're a guy?"

Justin Bieber groaned.

* * *

_Please turn off your cell phones._

Harry noticed that one of the audience had broken that rule. He was feeling extremely irritated today, and pointed his wand at the offending lawbreaker.

"YOU IN THE FIFTH ROW! TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!"

Said person turned off his cell phone, his face burning.

* * *

_Umbridge, Harry_

Harry hated that toad. "Cedric Diggory was killed by Lord Voldemort!"

"Cedric Diggory's death was a tragic accident," Umbridge told him coldly.

"Sounds like your birth," Harry retorted.

* * *

_Voldemort, Death Eaters_

Voldemort was going down the checklist. He turned to Severus. "How are the plans going?"

Severus responded, "Exellent, my Lord. All the water balloons are full and ready to lob, but the Nerf guns still need a bit work."

Voldemort cackled. "Finally! Potter will never see it coming."

Well, actually, Harry did-through his dreams.

* * *

_Draco_

"OHMYGOD!" Draco Malfoy shrieked, pointing. "Snape's smiling! Everyone take a picture!"

* * *

_Dumbledore_

"Who da man?" Dumbledore said, smiling widely and spreading his arms. Then-

"Okay, that was embarassing. I'm not saying that again."

* * *

_Hermione_

"Harry," Hermione said, looking around nervously, "I think someone's watching us..."

In a theatre-

Five hundred people heard Hermione say, "Harry, I think someone's watching us..."

* * *

_Hermione_

Hermione stomped toward Harry and Ron. "Haha, this is very funny," she said sarcastically, pointing to herself. "Now who put Justin Bieber's hair in my Polyjuice Potion?!"

* * *

_Dumbledore, Draco_

Dumbledore serenely gave Draco Malfoy a lesson on emotions. "It's time you delved inside of yourself and figure out what you really want. I know you don't really wish to kill me, but-"

Draco interrupted, "I want Hermione Granger. And a rocketship."

* * *

_Harry, Hermione, Ron_

"I'm Harry Potter."

Hermione turned to Ron. "And you are?"

Through a mouthful of muffin, Ron responded, "Your future husband."

* * *

_Ron Weasley_

Ron Weasley was asked, "What one thing would you like to change about the world?"

He thought deeply. "Everyone to be ginger would be good. A ginger world. That's cool!"

**~Finish~**


	2. Of Brownies and Horcruxes

**Of Brownies and Horcruxes**

_Harry/Ginny, Tom Riddle_

"You know, Ginny spilled all her feelings. She slowly grew weaker and weaker, while I grew stronger every second," the memory of Tom Marvolo Riddle drawled.

Harry said disbelievingly, "What did I ever do to you?"

"YOU STOLE MY CHOCOLATE BROWNIE!" Riddle yelled in fury.

Harry said, "A chocolate brownie...that was yours?"

"YES! AND NOW YOU GO AND STEAL THAT BROWNIE THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ME!"

Harry frowned. "That was last year."

"DON'T PLAY SMART ALECK WITH ME, POTTER! I SPECIFICALLY SENT QUIRRELL TO RETRIEVE MY BROWNIE, AND HE FOUND OUT YOU TOOK IT!"

Harry suddenly found this very funny.

"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? YOU SHOULD BE SNIVELLING ON THE DIRT AND BEGGING FOR MY FORGIVENESS."

"Do you have any more brownies?" Harry asked.

"Why yes." Riddle looked thoughtful. "There was one on my head, one on my shoe, and the rest are in the pantry."

He hadn't finished his sentence when Harry dashed off and came back with a sack of brownies, four million, eight hundred and two, to be exact. Harry ate them all.

Riddle's jaw dropped. Then he screeched, "YOU WILL PAY, POTTER! I WILL AVENGE MY BROWNIES!"

Harry looked at Riddle amusedly. "You'd make good buddies with Remus Lupin."

Riddle spun on him. "HOW DARE YOU ASSOCIATE ME WITH THE STUPID WEREWOLF? AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEET HIM YET! THAT'S IN THIRD YEAR."

Harry shrugged. "Well, I did."

Riddle shouted outragedly, "WELL THAT WILL CHANGE THE WHOLE FUTURE!"

Harry looked at him oddly. "I thought you didn't want to kill me."

Riddle said impatiently, "I still want to kill you, Potter, but I'm stating the facts here. You shouldn't know about Remus Lupin. It says so in the storyline. Joanne Rowling will surely be angry."

Harry told Riddle that Joanne didn't care.

"OH YES SHE WILL! WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN WHEN SHE DISCOVERS THAT YOU'VE WRECKED HER STORY?"

"Um...she'll eat your brownies?"

Riddle nearly blew up.

**~Finish~**


End file.
